I have noticed a phenomenon that occurs in specific clients when they are moving away from dysfunctional relationships.  These clients have presented in the past as passive, have silenced their own voices.  They might be called people pleasers or fulfilling the caregiver role. 

The Body’s Wisdom

The body knows when we are not showing up in ways that do not honor and respect our own sense of self.  There is an internal conflict that is happening.  The body cris out for a voice, for a recognition of our own needs.  When we are stuck in a protective role, though, the survival threat looms so large inside of us that we shut down the body’s wisdom.  Our voice is silenced, we push down the healthy anger that demands advocacy, and we bury that deep into internal resentment. 

The Boomerang Effect in Action

When we finally reach the point where we can no longer deny our truth, the need for a voice that speaks to healthy boundaries, what happens is what I call the boomerang effect.  We have gone so long without advocating for our own emotional health and relational well-being, that our response has a dramatic shift from silence to expressing our boundaries to the extreme.  If you step back and look at the pattern that was developed, this makes sense.  When we spend years of our lives denying our own sense of self, the part of ourselves that has been crying out for a change seizes the opportunity like it’s a once in a lifetime chance.  The years of repression come pouring out and we react strongly and with great intensity to anything that has the flavor of forcing us back into that state of silence.  It’s the boomerang.  We jump from one side of the pendulum to the other. 

The Boomerang’s Purpose

This boomerang is part of the learning curve.  In some ways, we need the intensity at the beginning as it takes so much guts and willpower to show up differently than we ever have before.  Over time, as our body learns this new way of being, the fear and reactivity against being silenced diminishes, and we find our new balance.

If you set the expectation for yourself that you will make this change from passive and silent to a assertive and well-balanced, then you are setting yourself up for needless self-guilt and shame.  Neither of those help with your healing journey.  The boomerang is necessary.  Too much pent up emotion is stored within our body to have anything but the boomerang experience.  If you find recognize yourself in this, I hope you consider the following:

Self Compassion

You are learning a new relationship skill.  You will not have these skills perfected, and frankly, never will.  Perfection is another form of relationship rigidity.  You will, though, learn how to engage with a more balanced approach, where you honor your own boundaries and have flexibility and curiosity towards the experience of those in relationship with you.

Seek Wise Counsel

Learning new relationship skills is tricky.  You will get conflicting advice and opinions.  Make sure you have someone in your corner whom you not only trust but have respect for their relationship skills.  In other words, the person you pick to seek counsel from should not only speak the right words, but also model them.  Part of that means they not only encourage you, but they have the courage to communicate with you about your own role in relationship patterns.

Evaluate Your Relationships

As you make these changes, please know that there are some relationships that will accept and respect this change in you.  There are many that will not.  When we become healthier people, we become less appealing to those who have not yet made their own decision to engage in their healing journey.    This too, though, is where having wise counsel comes into play.  Because of the boomerang effect, it is easy to inadvertently throw out the baby with the bath water.  Exploring your current relationship with a trusted mentor, clinician, friend, etc., can help to bring perspective.

Give Yourself Time

The boomerang effect requires time to navigate.  Evaluating your relationships also requires time.  Some decision, such as exiting relationships, need careful evaluation and reflection, none of which can happen overnight.  As much as we may wish for fast results, this is a journey that benefits most from a slow and steady pace.