Have you ever found yourself uttering the words, "You make me feel..." in the midst of a heated discussion with your partner? It's a phrase that’s so commonly used and we don’t stop to think about the unspoken messages of this phrase.  While it may seem harmless at first glance, it actually stunts growth and takes away the possibility of being seen and understood. To quote Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, “words create worlds.”

The world we create with “you make me feel”

When we say, "You make me feel..." we're essentially attributing our emotions solely to our partner's actions or words. It's as if we're handing them the remote control to our feelings, removing any personal responsibility for our reactions.  Emotions are complex and multifaceted; they stem from our own perceptions, experiences, and internal processes. Our responses to our partner is never just about the current moment, it is also about the past and the meanings we have assigned to our relational experiences. By putting the responsibility entirely on our partner, we strip ourselves of agency and fail to take ownership of our emotional responses.

Guilt and Manipulation

Beyond taking away personal power, using this phrase is can lead to manipulation or guilt-tripping within the relationship. Think about it: when we tell someone, "You make me feel guilty," we're essentially placing the burden of our guilt onto them, subtly attempting to get them to conform to our expectations or desires. This dynamic removes trust and undermines the authenticity of our interactions. It's important to recognize that each individual is responsible for their own emotions and behaviors, and coercing someone into feeling a certain way is not only unfair but also unsustainable in the long run.

"You make me feel..." often oversimplifies complex emotions and overlooks the underlying issues that are going on. Instead of addressing the root cause of our feelings, we resort to blaming our partner for how we're experiencing them. This can hinder meaningful communication and problem-solving within the relationship. Rather than fostering understanding and empathy, it creates distance and deflection, preventing us from truly connecting with our partner on a deeper level.

A Simple Empowering Shift

So, what's the alternative? How can we communicate our emotions effectively without resorting to blame or manipulation?  There is a simple shift that we can make.  While it may seem clunky and forced initially, the more you practice this shift, the more natural it becomes.

1. Speak to the specific behavior

2. Use “I feel.”

3. If necessary, use “the story in my head…”

Here’s an example:

Other focused statement: “You make me feel unimportant.” 

New Statement:  When you keep looking at your phone when I’m talking to you, I feel unimportant.  The story in my head is that I don’t matter enough to you. 

By framing your emotions in terms of your own experiences and perceptions, it reduces the likelihood of defensive responses from your partner and also invites them (and yourself) to see you more clearly. 

The World of Empowered Connection

While it does take conscious effort and practice, banning the phrase "You make me feel..." from our relationships can have profound benefits. By taking ownership of our emotions, refraining from blame and manipulation, and fostering open and honest communication, we create a world where our relationship is stronger, more resilient,  more connected, and more empowered.