Have you ever met with a therapist because someone you knew highly recommended them, only to find that your experience was quite different from your friend’s? It’s not uncommon for individuals to have varying experiences with the same therapist. Last week’s article explored the qualities and characteristics of a good therapist. However, just because a therapist possesses these qualities doesn’t automatically mean they are the right fit for you.

Determining whether a therapist is the best fit for your specific needs involves more than just identifying their general competence. It’s about ensuring that their style, approach, and personality resonate with you personally. To help you make this important decision, consider asking yourself the following questions:

Do I Feel Comfortable and Safe?

• Do I feel at ease and safe discussing personal issues with my therapist?

From your first interaction, you should feel a sense of comfort and ease or at minimum, a willingness to further explore the possibility of continuing work together. At the same time, it’s important to be realistic about the degree of comfort and ease you’ll feel.  People enter therapy because something is not going well.  Your nervous system may very well be in a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal, which makes it very difficult for you to feel completely open and trusting in a relationship. 

 Do I Trust My Therapist?

• Do I trust that my therapist has my best interests at heart and will maintain confidentiality?

• Am I considering revealing myself in more vulnerable ways than I have before? 

Trust is the foundation of any therapeutic relationship. Over time, you should feel increasingly safe sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. As the relationship continues, so should your consideration and/or willingness to risk greater vulnerability increase.  That does not mean that taking a risk will feel comfortable and natural to you.  If you are considering revealing yourself more though, that is a good indicator of your nervous system’s sense of growing safety in the therapist.   

Is the Communication Clear and Effective?

• Does my therapist communicate in a way that I can easily understand? Do I feel heard and understood during our sessions?

Effective communication is key. If you leave sessions feeling confused or misunderstood, it could indicate a mismatch.

 Do I Feel Listened To?

• Does my therapist actively listen to me without interrupting or making assumptions?

We’ve all had experiences where the person we’re sharing with is just waiting for that pause, so they can jump in with their reflections and insight. The right therapist for you will provide ample space for you to fully express yourself.   A good therapist listens to understand, not instruct. They are actively engaged in what you’re saying, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting your feelings and experiences back to you.  

 Am I Seeing Progress?

• Do I feel that I am making progress toward my therapeutic goals, even if it's gradual?

Progress is any positive change, no matter how small that develops over a period of time.  More complex issues will require more time, but as you engage in the process, there will be small shifts in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that will grow and become more consistent over time.

 Is the Therapist Flexible and Adaptable?

• Is my therapist willing to adjust their methods based on my feedback and what seems to work best for me?

The right therapist is flexible and willing to adjust their approach based on what works best for you. If something isn’t working, they should be open to exploring alternative techniques or strategies, giving careful attention and consideration to their own boundaries in the therapeutic process. 

Do I Feel a Personal Connection?

• Do I feel that my therapist genuinely cares about my well-being and is empathetic to my situation?

A good therapist shows genuine empathy and compassion. You should feel that they truly care about your well-being and are invested in your progress. This experience will not just be communicated verbally as most of our communication is non-verbal.  Anyone can be disingenuous or inauthentic with their words, but the body never lies.  Your body, your nervous system will be responding to the somatic and energetic cues from your therapist. 

Am I Comfortable Providing Feedback?

• Do I feel comfortable providing feedback to my therapist about what is or isn't working in our sessions?

• Does my therapist respond well to this feedback?

Feedback should be a two-way street. Your therapist should provide you with constructive insights and also be open to receiving feedback from you about the therapy process. Because so much of the healing journey is through relationships, it’s important that your therapist is willing to address the relationship bumps that occur in the therapeutic process

Reflecting on these questions can help you evaluate whether or not a therapist is the right fit for you and whether the therapeutic relationship is conducive to your growth and healing. It can’t be overstated: so much of our wounding and healing happens in relationships. The therapeutic relationship can offer some of the greatest impact on your healing journey. The power it has to influence you requires a careful evaluation of the goodness of fit.

 A well-matched therapeutic relationship can provide a safe space for you to explore your thoughts and feelings and provide opportunity for growth and healing. Your mental health and well-being are worth the effort of finding a therapist who is not just good, but the right fit for you.