Six Unrealistic Beliefs about Healing
It takes courage and a willingness to embrace uncertainty when we embark on our personal journey of healing. To take this path, there is hope for something better, a possibility that life can be experienced differently. While hope is absolutely necessary, there are certain unspoken beliefs around healing that can actually hinder us reaching that space of possibility.
Belief #1: Healing is a linear process
Many people believe that healing follows a straightforward, linear path. They expect to move from one stage to the next without setbacks. In reality, healing is often a non-linear process with ups and downs, regressions, and progressions. There can be moments when it feels like you're back at square one. These setbacks are normal and a part of the healing journey. They can provide valuable insights and opportunities for deeper understanding and growth.
Belief #2: I need to do it alone
Another common misbelief is that healing is a solitary endeavor. People often think they need to be self-reliant and handle their trauma without outside help. This belief can lead to isolation and a lack of support. In truth, healing is often more effective within a supportive community. Therapists, support groups, friends, and family can provide essential support, perspective, and encouragement.
Belief #3: If I'm not healing fast enough, I'm failing
There is often pressure to heal quickly, which can lead to feelings of failure if progress seems slow. Healing from trauma is a deeply personal and individual process that varies greatly from person to person. If there has been complex relational trauma, healing takes time. We cannot undo a lifetime of wounding without honoring the complexity and reoccurring traumas that have happened over a lifespan.
There can be a desire to compare your progress to someone else’s, to set unrealistic timelines on your journey. Every person has a different lived experience, a different nervous system response, and a multitude of factors that contribute to this. Comparing your progress to someone else is unrealistic and detrimental. It is important to honor your unique pace and celebrate small victories along the way.
Belief #4: “I’ll always feel…”
I’ll always feel peaceful. I’ll always feel grounded. I’ll always feel confident. I’ll always feel calm. There is an unspoken expectation that when we reach the “end” of our healing journey, that we will be in a perpetual state of ease, that our feelings will always be a positive experience. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. There’s a Brainspotting quote that says, “Life will always squeeze your lemon.” There will always be something in life that hits on and activates our wounds. Resolving the excess activation in our experiences does not remove the memory. From a nervous system perspective, a healthy functioning nervous system is one that has flexibility, that has an activating response to a stressor or trigger, and then resolves, without getting stuck in state of fight, flight, freeze, appease, or shut down.
Belief #5: My relationships will be full of ease
When we experience these healing shifts within ourselves, we can mistakenly assume that will translate positively into our relationships. Often times, the opposite is true. There is a period of pruning that occurs. Rather than being more understood, supported, etc., we can experience more disconnection, conflict, and tension in our existing relationships. When we move out of trauma states, there can be a mismatch in how we engage in the world and relationships now, versus how our current relationships have experienced us. We remove the expected homeostasis of how the relationship functions, which results in greater discomfort and anxiety in the relationship. Some of those relationships will survive this shifting baseline, others will not.
Belief #6: Once I'm healed, I'll never struggle again
The idea that once you're healed, you'll never face struggles or challenges again is a misconception. Healing does not make you invulnerable to future difficulties. Life will continue to present challenges, but with healing, you gain better tools and resilience to navigate them. Even though life will squeeze your lemon, your healing journey enables you to come back into your window of tolerance more quickly, to bounce back from life’s stressors. Healing is about building a stronger foundation to handle life's ups and downs more effectively.
Healing from trauma is a multifaceted journey that involves leaning into the complexity and unpredictability of the process. By recognizing and challenging these common misbeliefs, we can approach our healing with greater compassion, patience, and endurance. It's important to remember that healing is not about achieving a perfect state of being but about developing the resilience and flexibility to navigate life's inevitable challenges. Through this journey, we can find deeper meaning, connection, and a renewed sense of hope and possibility.