The Cornerstone of Communication
If you've been investing in your emotional stability and inner growth, you're already on the right track to nurturing healthier connections. Attention and responsiveness to inner work is necessary to begin addressing relationship skills, such as communication.
Types of Communication
How we communicate plays an important role in long term satisfaction in our relationships. We are always communicating. Every gesture, every word, every subtle nuance, even our energy conveys something, whether we intend it or not. When couples say they need to learn how to communicate, what they’re really saying is they don’t like what’s being communicated. Everything we do is a form of communication.
Holding steady within self all speak to the idea of differentiation. Differentiation is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. A differentiated person can get clear on what’s happening inside of themselves, share that with their partner and hold enough steadiness in themselves no matter how their partner responds. A differentiated partner can be curious about their partner without taking on, defending, or dismissing what their partner believes, feels and shares. A differentiated partner does not demand their way, their needs, their perspectives be met and followed. Rather, they recognize that taking space to be with themselves and with their partner will bring clarity and expansion beyond what they can currently see.
Communication is an art, and it takes practice. Our natural inclination is towards security and comfort, making it challenging to engage in conservations where perspectives and beliefs don’t align. In those moments, it takes an intentional decision to hold space and tolerate the anxiety that automatically and naturally comes up in our nervous system. Yet, it's precisely in these moments that true growth occurs.
The more practice given towards given towards effective communication, led by emotion regulation skills and inner awareness, the more natural it becomes to your nervous system. By intentionally holding space for differing viewpoints and navigating through the inevitable discomfort, we strengthen our emotional resilience and our relationship.
The skill that leads to better communication
The most overlooked aspect of communication is not how to listen well or how to initiate well. The best step you could take in communicating better is to work on your willingness to be patient in communication. We have learned the conversational strategy of rapid fire, back and forth communication. You say something, I jump in with my perspective, my response, you pivot in response to my response. Oftentimes, there’s been so much pivoting, defending and responding that the main point of the original conversation is completely lost.
There are many different therapeutic couples’ approaches, but they all include the same strategy when it comes to communication.
There is a built in order: the person who brings up a conversation is the person who has the floor. They are the initiator of the conversation. Their goal is to focus on what’s happening inside of themselves. Statements begin with “I,” not “You make me..”
The listener’s goal is to communicate they are listening by engaging in reflection, which can be as simple as parroting back what’s been said. In this approach, the listener does not add to what’s been said or attempt to interpret the words. It is pure reflection. There are two questions that are incredibly helpful in this dialogue. The first one is “Did I get that right?” The second question is “Is there more?” Both communicate a desire to truly hear and understand your partner and a willingness to continue listening.
When the initiator is finished with speaking, the roles pivot. The listener becomes the speaker and the speaker becomes the listener. Sometimes, the subject material in of itself can be highly activating, making it necessary for a pause or break before switching roles, in order to calm nervous system responses of fight/flight/shut-down.
I say patience is the most important communication skill because frankly, many people already know the strategy I just listed out. It’s not a matter of knowing, it’s a matter of willingness. It feels awkward, juvenile, frustrating to slow down communication. There’s an urgency to communicating, to attempting to find the solution, the resolution quickly. The issue is that in intense conversations, that resolution is not going to happen quickly and attempting to create that actually adds fuel to the fire.
Creating Space with Patience
Patience in communication means being willing to slow down and stop the rapid fire responses. Patience isn't merely about waiting for your turn to speak; it's about creating a space where both partners feel genuinely heard and understood. It requires a willingness to set aside the impulse to react and resolve immediately. The whole point of slowing down though is to offer space for our nervous system to calm down too. When we don’t feel seen or heard, our nervous system automatically revs up, putting us in fight/flight mode. That energetic shift is experienced by our partner, causing a reaction in their nervous system…and the energy keeps building, eventually leading to that blow-out fight, the stonewalling, the shut down. Both people walk away feeling more unheard, more alone, and even more justified in their viewpoint.
The structured approach outlined—where the initiator speaks, the listener reflects, and roles switch—provides a framework for fostering this patience. Yet, it's not just about following steps; it's about embracing the discomfort that comes with slowing down. It's about recognizing that this pause isn't just for words but for the nervous systems of both partners to recalibrate.
In essence, patience isn't just a virtue in communication; it's the cornerstone, the foundation. Patience is the invitation to slow down, to lean into what’s awkward, uncomfortable, or anxiety producing. It’s offering space for your partner, but more importantly, yourself. Patience invites deeper understanding, leading to increased resilience and even greater pride in your ability to regulate yourself. It’s hard work, and it’s necessary work for healthy relationships.