The Unexpected Bumps in Therapy
My weekend was jammed full of extra projects that needed to get done. We all know what happens when you start a project…something’s going to go wrong. So my already full weekend stretched even more with the demand of solving project problems. My weekend was over before it started. The problem with that, aside from a lack of down time, is that Sunday night snuck up on me and I found myself sitting in front of my computer trying to write this article….because life happened and the article writing didn’t.
The lesson in my weekend
As I sat in front of my computer, staring at my blank document, stressing on what to write, the answer came to me: my chaotic weekend was reflection of what happens in the therapeutic relationship. Just as life threw unexpected curveballs my way, so too can the complexities of the therapeutic relationship bring unexpected challenges.
Last week, I spoke about the complexity of the trauma triangle, how both clinician and client can get caught in reactive stances. It is the therapist’ responsibility to create the container of safety for clients, remaining grounded, open, and with firm boundaries, regardless of the dynamics at play. There is a pitfall though, to this responsibility. Therapist are human beings too. We are not immune to the pangs of relationship distress.
Therapist choice: ego or humility
When a therapist realizes that they got caught in a reactive relationship dynamic, the best and wisest course of action is for the therapist to set aside their ego, to engage with humility and acknowledge the role they played. It’s showing our humanness, the ability to provide a valuable opportunity to offer a relationship repair.
The power of relationship repair
Healing relationship trauma is not just found in the attuned, supportive, safe presence of the therapist. It’s also found in the repair work. Arguably, it’s in the repair work that we find the greatest opportunity for healing. Where there was once dismissal, minimization, rebuttal or an outright refusal to acknowledge the rupture, there is now a validation of the client’s experience, an offering of openness and curiosity for the client’s experience. This doesn’t mean the therapist abandons their boundaries but it is a willingness to dive into self-reflection and to own our mistakes.
In embracing our humanity, the therapist creates opportunity for transformation. Just as my weekend of chaos and unexpected twists led to insight, so too can moments of discord and tension in the therapeutic relationship become healing ground. Life isn’t about avoiding the bumps in the road (although a few less problems with projects would be nice!). The bumps in the road are an opportunity for navigating the unexpected with humility, openness and a willingness to grow. In the therapeutic relationship, bumps are going to happen. How those bumps are addressed offer incredible opportunities for healing.