Breaking Shame's Cycle: How to Choose Your Support System
Shame forces us to hide, keeping us stuck in our relationships. In an attempt to help, our bodies will continuously look for and engage in those relationships that mimic our original wounds. Without addressing what is stuck, we keep re-creating our trauma, continuing the cycle of shame, loneliness, and isolation. It is clear that In the in order to free ourselves from shame, we need to lean into the vulnerable space of revealing ourselves to a trusted person. If we’re so used to what has been unhealthy and harmful for us, though, how exactly can we know whom to trust with our story? I’ve highlighted the power of meeting with a good therapist who is the right therapist for you. If though, you choose to identify someone in your life, here is a checklist of questions to help you determine whether that person has the ability to support you in this process.
Emotional Comfort
Does this person remain calm when emotions run high?
Have they shown understanding and empathy in past emotional conversations?
Can they handle their own emotions well, indicating a level of emotional maturity?
Listening Skills
Do they listen without interrupting or trying to immediately offer solutions?
Have they demonstrated the ability to be fully present during conversations?
Do they avoid minimizing or dismissing your feelings?
Non-Judgmental Attitude
Have they previously responded to others’ vulnerabilities with kindness and without judgment?
Do they refrain from making negative or critical comments about people who share their struggles?
Confidentiality
Can you trust this person to keep your story private?
Have they respected your and others' confidentiality in the past?
Empathy and Compassion
Do they express genuine concern and care for your well-being?
Have they shown an ability to empathize with your experiences, even if they haven’t shared the same ones?
Patience
Are they willing to give you the time you need to share your story at your own pace?
Do they avoid pushing you to open up more than you are comfortable with?
Supportive Actions
Have they been supportive in other areas of your life?
Do they offer help and support in ways that are meaningful to you?
Boundaries
Do they respect your boundaries and understand the importance of them in your healing process?
Are they able to maintain their own boundaries, ensuring a balanced and healthy interaction?
Reflection
After considering these questions, do you feel comfortable and safe with this person?
Are you confident that they can provide the support you need to navigate through your shame?
Assessing Support: Weighing Positive Patterns Against Negative Moments
Given that no one shows up perfectly, your assessment is based on a continuum. Do the positive patterns outweigh the emergence of negative moments? How often you see these markers present in a person is what you’re evaluating. After considering these aspects, evaluate your overall comfort and safety with this person. Reflect on whether you are confident they can provide the necessary support for you to navigate through your shame.
Remember, shame lives off of fear. Fear thrives in the space of what ifs. You cannot free yourself from shame without leaning into vulnerability and confronting those fears head-on. The choice is yours: continue hiding or be the person who rescues yourself.
Shame Series
Shame’s Silent Grip: The Power of Secrecy and Judgment