Who Will You Choose to Be?

Trauma changes you.  It strips away the power of choice.  The experience of trauma, especially if it is chronic or occurs during childhood, overwhelms the system, taking with it the belief that you have control over your life.  Trauma is a thief, stealing your safety, convincing you that you are trapped, helpless, and powerless forever.

In the thick of trauma, we are merely trying to survive.  In the aftermath, there emerges once again the power of choice.  It is hard to see, even harder to acknowledge and yet it is there. 

Choosing Anger and Resentment

Some choose anger, resentment, and bitterness.  The world will not take from them again.  They become the aggressor.  In this fighting stance, they become more and more isolated, having pushed away any opportunity for real connection.  Vulnerability is experienced as a threat to avoid at all costs.    

Choosing Helplessness

Some choose to remain helpless, powerless, the familiar experience of being the victim.  Life is happening to them, and in their perspective, against them.  Any attempt to claim power often ends up being acts of passive aggressiveness, manipulation, guilt tripping.  They suffer, those around them suffer. 

Choosing People Pleasing

Some choose the path of people pleasing.  The safest route is to make sure no one is ever upset with them.  They sacrifice themselves.  This path can look quite good from the outside: competent, capable, giving, etc.  The internal experience, though, not so pleasant.  Resentment, loneliness, exhaustion are the constant companions. 

Choosing to Reclaim Power

Some choose to reclaim their power. 

I wish that reclaiming power happened just like the Disney movies.  Suffering happens, the person has a moment of reckoning, finds their determination, resilience and reclaims their life.  Nothing sways them, they possess all the self-control and grit.  All is well. 

The Reality of Reclaiming Yourself

In reality, living with trauma’s survival responses is messy and painful.  Trying to move past a learned way of responding to and experiencing the world through the lens of survival is hard.  Confronting fears, deeply ingrained beliefs, learning new ways to engage in the world is a daunting task. 

Is It Worth It?

Why do it then?  Why face all the pain, the shame, the messiness of relationships? 

May I invite you to step back from asking why and instead ask what if?  What if it were possible for you to live a life full of contentment and satisfaction?  What if this path of discovery led you to an unshakeable realization of your own worth?  What if choosing how you respond to your suffering is the greatest gift you could give yourself?

Every Choice Involves Suffering

Whether you stay angry, helpless, the people pleaser or lean into reclaiming your power, there will be suffering.  No one escapes from trauma without it. How you decide to be with your suffering matters.  Staying angry, staying the victim, staying the capable people pleaser, these keep you stuck.  Reclaiming power, leaning into the mess of healing, that brings freedom.  Make no mistake about it, this path is hard, arguably even harder than the others.  You’re fighting learned behavior, negative beliefs, shame, messy relationships, the list goes on and on.  On the other side of all this, though, is the person you were always meant to be.  There is hope.

I’d invite you again to stop just for a moment and check in with your body. If you’ve been reading this and are feeling the familiar voice of shame, I invite you to read these articles.  Reclaiming you means facing shame’s messages.  I know that will be painful and hard.  I also know the gift that lies behind the pain. 

The question to leave with is who will you choose to be?  I hope you choose you, the person you were always meant to be.