My very bad, not so good day
This past week, I had a very bad, not so good day. I’ll toot my own horn a little bit here and say that over the years, I have adapted many skills and structure that help me stay pretty regulated and thriving in my life. This day, all of that went out the window. In my defense, I’ll add on this very bad day was due in part to my frenemy, peri-menopause. Regardless, I was in a space. You know the days when every little thing is A VERY BIG DEAL? Yep, that was me. I woke up mad. The entire morning and afternoon I’m fuming, slamming cupboards, moving fast (somehow my body thinks that communicates the edge I’m feeling) and filling the house up with my very dark and negative energy. While I’m in my bedroom folding laundry, my oldest daughter popped into the room and started a conversation. Here’s how it went:
Daughter “Mom, are you ok?”
Me (hear this in a very NOT regulated tone): “No. I’m not ok. My body doesn’t feel good. I feel like I’m flipping my lid and I’m about to explode.”
Daughter: “Is there anything I can do?”
Me: “No, but thanks for asking.”
Daughter leaves
This short conversation seems pretty basic, right? There’s not much to it. If you look deeper, though, there’s a whole lot to uncover here, for me, for my daughter, and for you.
There’s always going to be an off day
Oh the gift of humility. No matter how hard you or I work at self improvement and growth, there will always be a day or season where we are not our best selves. Part of the journey is accepting that there will always be times when you’re the worst version of yourself. Personal growth and development are never linear.
It's ok to not be ok
I work hard at being the best version of myself, for my own view of myself but also for whom I want to be as a parent. It’s a major value of mine. I do not like when I’m off and venting, and there’s a lesson of grace in this that is so important. Self improvement can become harmful when we do not allow space to just be off. Anything positive can be harmful if it is out of balance. My very bad day was a reminder of this. Sometimes our bodies get stuck in a space, and what is needed in those moments is grace: time to slow down, to feel, to notice what our bodies are asking for.
Hiding never helps anyone
My daughter got to see me in a big struggle to control my emotions. Hiding our bad mood out of fear of not looking put together, capable, confident or competent as a parent has an unintended negative impact. It sends the message to our kids that it is not ok for parents to express or show the complexity of who we are, that we must try to stuff how we feel and pretend all is well. That message is a horrible habit to break and the trickle down effect is that our kids end up adopting that same approach in their own lives.
Let someone’s mess be theirs
As I reflected back on my daughter’s interaction with me, what really stood out to me was what she did after she expressed care for me. She LEFT. She did not stay. She did not try to keep talking to me, to pull me out of my dark cloud of misery. She didn’t try to make herself the caregiver, the antidote to my angst. She accepted that I was in a space and that it was mine to deal with. It’s a lesson in boundaries. Showing care and compassion for someone’s pain (or just plain bad mood) does not mean that we have to take it on and make it better. We can offer to help but leave the heavy lifting where it belongs: with the person who’s in it. I am so proud of my daughter for demonstrating care for me AND care for herself in that tiny act of simply leaving the room.
Although I’m not the biggest fan of losing my cool, my daughter witnessed me in all my authentic mess. She got to see me not as the mom I want to be, but as the mom I was in that moment. She saw the complexity of who I am, and in that witnessing, she also had opportunity to extend compassion to me. It was a beautiful moment and it matters. Also, perimenopause sucks.