Selfish Love
In last week’s blog, I touched upon the common longing to have all our needs fulfilled by our partner. Today, I want to delve deeper into this yearning, understanding its roots and how we can regain control within our relationships.
The Root Cause
The only relationship where the potential for all our needs to be met exists is in the dynamic between an infant and caregiver. From the moment we're born, we're utterly reliant on the caregiver's responsiveness to our needs. It truly is a one-sided relationship. The infant’s focus is solely on having their needs met, there is no consideration of the parent’s needs. Some people were fortunate to have had a “good enough” caregiver, whose was present and responsiveness more often than they were misattuned. Others were not so fortunate and had unattuned caregivers, which led to unmet needs, whether physical, emotional, or relational. When this lack of attunement happens, a wound is inflicted and that wound resides in the “land of no words” (the subcortex of the brain). From there on out, the developing child is responding in relationship to others fueled by the unconscious experience of their early developmental years. It is the driver in all relationships, an unconscious, unfulfilled need to be fully seen, received, accepted and loved.
The phrases “she completes me” or “he knows me better than I know myself” reflect the desire for that one-sided experience of being loved, an experience that can only happen in infanthood. While these phrases attempt to capture how wonderful a relationship is, the underbelly of these phrases is that it’s an entirely disempowering way to look at your relationship. An infant is helpless and powerless. Their entire experience of the world is dependent on the caregiver. Craving that level of security as adults reflects unmet needs from our formative years, resulting in a relinquishment of our personal power. This early wounding of misattunement can never be healed or satisfied through your adult relationships. To quote Dr. Gladys McGarey, the mother of Holistic Medicine, “All healing comes from within us.”
The Power of Acknowledgment
The reality is that many of us have unmet needs that haunt us to this very day. The first step towards positive change is acknowledging these wounds within ourselves. You cannot change what you do not know. While acknowledgment may sound relatively simple and straightforward, it actually takes a great deal of courage. Taking responsibility for your emotional experience of your partner, your relationship involves a high degree of self-reflection. That’s no small task to undertake.
If you're ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and empowerment within your relationships, consider the following strategies:
Increase your emotional tolerance
When we are driven by an unmet need in the land of no words, it can be a powerful driver. Unmet needs often manifest as intense emotions, looking like reactivity or avoidance in relationships. There can be a “coming out of your skin” desperation experience, the anger of not being seen, the knee jerk reaction to walk away. All of these responses reflect how painful the experience is. We unconsciously try to resolve this pain by seeking outwards, desperate for our partner to soothe the pain inside of us. The issue is that your partner, with their own wounding experiences, is most likely experiencing some version of the same thing. They cannot be completely available to you, remaining in the space of overflowing, abundant love and generosity towards you. They cannot and should not be in the role of parental, unconditional love towards you.
Know Your Nervous System Map
Instead of seeking external validation or resolution from our partners, we must learn to tolerate and manage these emotions internally. This might involve practices like meditation, exercise, journaling, or specific breathing techniques. These strategies are not going to work overnight, and they’re certainly not going to feel effective or natural. Part of this will involve focused effort on your part to engage in these practices. I highly encourage structuring time for these strategies, a consistent course of action/behavior. To further help identify what works best for you, consider mapping out your nervous system path in how you typically respond to relationship distress: fight/flight, avoidance, shut down, etc. Answering these questions may be helpful
When I feel wounded in relationship with my partner, my go to response/action is …..
When my partner doesn’t respond the way I hoped with my initial response, I …..
If your tendency is to go into fight/flight mode, then consider engaging in some form of movement or physical activity, to help your body release the energy, followed by calming, soothing activities (breathwork, mindfulness).
If your tendency is to go towards shut down, consider starting with mindfulness strategies first, really tuning into your breath and physical sensations, followed by gentle movements.
The idea is to work with how your body is responding so that you are able to move towards a different state of being. We are not feeding the energy, but we are moving with the energy towards release. It is a gentle invitation to your body to move towards healing.
While these strategies will help you in the moment(s) and provide actionable steps for beginning to shift your nervous system regulation, it’s important to say that your nervous system map is in response to what has gotten stuck in the subcortex (the “land of no words.”) To fully move through and release these patterns, I highly recommend therapy, especially therapy that addresses the neurophysiological, somatic based experiencing. Brainspotting is a highly effective therapy in addressing subconscious, subcortical expereinces.
Grant Yourself Grace
To some extent, being selfish is part of being human. We all have varying degrees of selfishness. We all desire to have our needs met. Emotionally, physiologically, we are wired to pursue satisfaction of our own needs. It is necessary to survival. Navigating those needs within relationships can get messy. The mess is there for a reason: to propel you towards healing.
f you realize you've been surrendering your power in relationships, congratulate yourself for taking this crucial step towards personal growth. You are one step closer on your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship built on mutual understanding, respect and autonomy. Remember, this is a process. The goal is not instant, complete change. The goal is that every day, you show up 1% better than you did the day before.