Four Ways to Improve Your Relationship (and why you shouldn’t start with communication)
Welcome to February, the designated month of love, where we celebrate our relationships and proclaim our love. Being in connection with others is a vital part of being human. Our well-being is impacted by the presence or lack of relationships. Our brain is literally wired for connection.
Recognizing the significance of connection emphasizes the importance of being in healthy relationships. And that’s where the challenge comes in. How do two people, each with their own wounds, perceptions, ways of being in the world, create harmony? You’ve probably heard the classic statement, “we just need to communicate better.” Let’s dig into that a little bit deeper.
In my experience working with couples, I've discovered something interesting. Couples are often fantastic communicators; they can practically read each other's minds. They pick up on the micro communication, the subtleties of gestures, behaviors, tonalities. The catch? They just don’t’ like what's being communicated. It's not about the how but the what.
While great communication is vital, I'd argue it's not the starting point for a healthy relationship. It's more like the result of a healthy relationship.
The number one factor that defines the quality of a relationship is how steady each individual is within themselves. What does being steady look like? In his book, Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch talks about the four points of balance.
Solid, Flexible Self
Do you know who you are, what you value, what you stand for? Most people would answer yes, they know this. Here’s where it gets challenging. Are you able to express and be clear about who you are WITHOUT patterns of reactivity: defensiveness, shutting down, blaming, etc.? A solid flexible self not only knows who they are but is able to stand in that truth without engaging in defensive reactions when their partner is pressuring them to conform.
Quiet Mind-Calm Heart
How do you handle hurt or anxiety in your relationship? Can you soothe yourself without spiraling into desperation? The ability to self soothe when we feel wounded by our partners is one of the most important skills to work on. Can you feel hurt and also be ok with yourself? Are you able to be with your pain, your fear, your confusion, your anger, acknowledging the impact of that state without feeding it? Do you instead become more desperate, that coming out of your skin feeling, to get your partner to reaffirm their love for you, their ability to see you? If you are unable to do this, and you desire a healthy relationship, this is where the bulk of your attention needs to lie.
Grounded Responding
Communication strategies focus on slowing down conversations, increasing reflective listening and space. In order to do this type of communication though, you must have the ability to engage with a certain degree of calm (notice I didn’t say you need to be completely calm), not overreacting and running away, shutting down, fighting back when your partner gets upset.
Meaningful Endurance
If we’re honest, I think a great majority of us would say that we enter relationships expecting our partner to complete us, make us happy, and be there for us. We can be a bit selfish in relationships.
They make me feel happy.
I love who I am with them.
They help me be a better version of myself.
I feel safe with them.
They’re always there for me when I’m down.
While all of that is great in a relationship, it’s also self focused. The problem is we all do this. Here you are wanting your relationship to be something that is good for you, gives to you, cares for you, understands and responds to your needs….and your partner is feeling the EXACT SAME WAY. Do you see how that becomes an issue?
If you desire to grow or maintain a healthy relationship, serious reflection on how you show up in your relationship is needed. This is no small task. It’s really hard to look at our own patterns. It’s much easier to point to all the ways our partner is being unkind, difficult, unreasonable, etc. Staying with that focus will keep you stuck…and trying to use communication to improve your relationship will never work if you aren’t addressing your inner world.
You have the opportunity to have your relationship become greater than what it was IF you’re willing to look inward. We are drawn to relationships that mirror the wounding we experienced in our earliest relationships. Our bodies are drawn to these relationships because it is an opportunity for us to heal, to grow beyond our wounding. It’s also where we have the greatest power to influence our relationships. When we begin addressing and changing who we are in a relationship, it changes you. By default, that means the relationship itself also changes: if you change one part of the system, the entire system changes.