The Power of Healthy Conflict
Nobody enters a relationship hoping for conflict. We’d much rather believe that that we’ve found the person who understands us, who sees and accepts us exactly as we are. Over time though, the relationship naturally begins to evolve and what was so easy before becomes more difficult. We try to address these changes, but when our efforts aren’t received well, we experience hurt and become more self-protective. Disillusionment starts to set in, past wounds flare up and wounded parts within us start to run the show.
It is not the size of the problem or the depth of the conflict that determines the ongoing success of relational satisfaction. It is the ability of the couple to stay open to each other, to reduce and shift rigid stance that increases the potential for a deeply satisfying relationship.
It is normal to experience conflict in relationships. In fact, conflict in a relationship is exactly what is required in order for the relationship to grow and thrive. Even more than that, experiencing conflict in a relationship is part of what YOU need to grow and thrive as a person.
The path to growth and a healthy, solid relationship is dependent on you and your partner’s ability to face disagreements and conflict without reacting from a collapsed sense of self. It relies on your willingness and ability to effectively engage in difficult conversations because you have discovered how to become self-focused rather than other-focused in your relationship.
Here is a major problem: most of us weren’t taught how to do this. Collectively in our culture is the wide-spread message of true love being effortless, finding someone who sweeps us off our feet, our soulmate, someone who is wildly passionate about us, never sees our flaws…and if they do, is exceedingly forgiving and generous; and we live this way forever and ever. The problem is both you and your partner enter the relationship with the preconceived idea that your partner is there for your needs, not the other way around!
As a couple’s developmental therapist, conflict is seen as a natural progression in a couple’s developmental journey together. Sometimes, without understanding, support or lack of know-how, we can get stuck in the initial stages of change. Over time, feeling stuck starts to feel inevitable. Not knowing how to resolve this dilemma can lead to all sorts of problems: infidelity, lying, avoidance, stonewalling, passive aggressive behaviors, less sex, more conflict, less intimacy. The list goes on and on.
How do we transition to a healthy, grounded self-focus in our relationships? Here are some of the main components of a differentiated self.
Awareness (aka differentiation)
Your ability to be clear about who you are, your beliefs, your values, your strengths and your challenges. Part of this also includes recognizing and taking ownership for the ways you positively and negatively impact your relationship. When your partner is saying something you do not want to hear or you do not agree with do you:
Become so upset your partner feels they need to stop the conversation
Counter-attack
Deflect
Shift the conversation to another topic
Use the cold shoulder or silent treatment
Interrupt or talk over
Explain why your partner is wrong
Only pretend to listen
If you were to become more aware and recognize the patterns that need to change in you, would it be possible for you to do any of the following:
Ask for a different time to talk if you are not in a space of receptiveness
Listen carefully
Be curious and ask questions to understand more fully
Remind yourself to stay calm and not make the story in your partner’s head about you
Self-soothe
A few years back, I had uncovered this truth about myself, and I was eager to share that with my husband. I experienced all sorts of emotions surrounding this revelation: excitement, longing, desire for connection, and a deep longing to be understood. My husband’s response to what I shared, while not negative or diminishing in any way, was not what I had pictured in my head and it definitely wasn’t the response I was anticipating. My response was to get upset. I was filled with hurt and I wanted him to make it better for me. Without even recognizing what I was doing, I made him responsible for navigating and calming the upset inside of me. I had to face the reality that I was asking for something my husband could not give me. It was never his job in the first place. It was mine.
We are the only ones who can calm and quiet the activation within us. Our partners can provide support and understanding, but they do not have ability to fully soothe something they do not know. They cannot know it because they cannot fully see or understand all the experiences that have shaped the felt response within us. Being vulnerable and solid within self means that when we choose to share what is inside of us, we are also able accept the response we receive, no matter what that response may be.
Curious Responding
When you are not on the same page as your partner, being able to be curious rather than reactive is crucial to effectively navigating differences. Curiosity is dependent on your ability to be self-aware and self-soothing. You cannot listen if you are in a reactive space. Maintaining curiosity involves the recognition that your partner is a separate person from you, with their own thoughts, beliefs, and values. Your partner expressing differences with you doesn’t make your experience any less valid, and vice versa. If what is being shared is a part of how they experience life, can you get curious about it? What makes this issue important to them? What is the story in their head about what’s going on? What would they like to see? Not only are you looking to understand your partner, but your questions also help your partner understand more fully what is going on inside of them.
Communication styles
How we listen and how we express what we want to say is important and can really make or break an experience. It’s actually quite difficult to be a really effective initiator. Sometimes, we wield our truth like a weapon. Truth spoken with compassion equals growth. Truth minus compassion equals additional pain. Other times, we place blame on our partner for the meaning we’ve assigned a particular conflict or pattern of behavior. Equally hard is listening without assuming our partner is saying we are to blame. When we go down the road of blame, we stop listening and transition to mentally rehearsing our counter-defense.
One reaction to this idea of individuality within relationships is the fear that this approach assumes we just have to accept whatever our partner is doing. Let me be really clear: that is NOT the purpose of becoming self-aware and grounded. Your increased ability to hold on to yourself and not become reactive means you can see more clearly who you are and who your partner is. Changing you automatically creates change in the relationship. The changes in you could inspire your partner to change alongside of you. It could also mean that your growth increases clarity on who your partner is: their beliefs and values and their willingness or lack of willingness to engage in the pursuit of growth.
There is a dance in relationships. It is a dance between the I and the We. So many of us get caught in the idea that WE must be on the same page about everything. If we’re not, then we must compromise and find middle ground. The way we go about reconciling our differences either creates connection or increases distance. If we feel forced, if we are sacrificing what is important to us, if we feel “damned if I do, damned if I don’t,” it is only a matter of time before we boil over and we begin to experience the effects of resentment and buried hurts.
It is possible to have conflict, to deeply disagree, and still find solutions that honors the relationship without sacrificing the individual. These changes don’t happen overnight, but your willingness to endure the stretching process will create growth inside of you and the potential for a deeply satisfying relationship.