The Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect on Adult Relationships
When I had my first child, I was determined to be a great mom. I knew all the values I wanted to instill and the relationship I wanted to foster. What I did not realize at the time was that being a great parent had more to do with what was going on inside of me then my own child.
I have a very distinct memory of being with my 18-month old daughter at an indoor play area. As we were nearing the time to leave, I gave her a five-minute warning, then a two minute warning. When I told her it was time to go, she started to cry. She did not want to leave; she was having fun. She was not throwing a fit, but was sitting in the play area, crying. My response was to cross my arms, look away from her, and refuse to engage with her and make eye contact until she stopped crying. When she stopped, I turned my body back towards her and began to reach for her. She started crying again. I stopped, disengaged again. This happened three times. I only held her once she had stopped crying and did not start again when I picked her up.
At the time, I was proud of that moment. I thought I was teaching her respect and how to listen well. I did not want to raise a child who thought it was okay to throw a temper tantrum. A year and a half later, I was hit with the realization of what I had really taught her in that moment. I showed her that she could not always count on me to show up for her in the moments when she was bothered. I needed her to act and feel a certain way for me to be available to her. What I had shown her in that moment was emotional neglect.
Childhood developmental trauma is defined as a type of stressful event that occurs repeatedly and cumulates over a period of time, within specific relationships and contexts, that results in developmentally adverse consequences. These stressful events can include sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, neglect, war, community violence, traumatic loss, betrayal or disruption of primary attachment relationships and chronic emotional dysregulation of caregiver. (van der Kolk, 2005).
One aspect of childhood developmental trauma that has been largely overlooked is childhood emotional neglect. Dr. Jonice Webb, clinical psychologist, defines childhood emotional neglect as the failure of parents to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. It is, “the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Because it’s an act of omission, it’s not visible, noticeable or memorable. Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.”
I was a loving parent, but I had a significant blind spot when it came to my child’s emotions. It is so important to know that it is possible to grow up in a loving home and still experience childhood emotional neglect. This pattern is passed down from generation to generation, and it continues because it has been normalized within the family’s culture. We cannot change what we have experienced as normal until we know something different.
Here are some common examples of childhood emotional neglect: *Please note that “parents” is used to refer to all caregivers.
Your basic needs were met as a kid, but other than that, you were on your own.
You never knew what mood your parent would be in when you got home from school. You quickly learned to feel the energy in the house when you opened the door. You frequently felt like you had to walk on eggshells. As you got older, the less time you could spend at home, the better.
Any time you showed big emotions (anger, sadness, even happiness) you were told you were being too sensitive, too dramatic, too much, or it was just ignored. If you are a male, a huge message is “boys don’t cry.” Over time, you stopped trying to receive emotional help or support from your parents.
You knew that if you ever responded back to your parents when they were upset, even if they were wrong, you were going to be in trouble. You eventually learned to just stand there and take it when they were upset with you.
Words of affirmation (I’m proud of you, I love you, I believe in you, etc.) or any discussion around feelings didn’t happen.
Your parents were focused on their own emotions and experiences. You learned to hide what you were feeling and experiencing because it would cause too much unrest at home or you were specifically told by the other parent to not bring up issues because “(parent) will be upset.”
Themes of Neglect
Chronic childhood emotional neglect has a significant impact on life experiences. Here are some of the common emotional themes that continue on into adulthood.
Shame
A child filters meaning through the lens of self. They lack the ability to understand that the issue is within their caregivers. Instead, all events are interpreted through an egocentric perspective. Abuse and neglect say to the child something is wrong with THEM. They take on these negative messages as a reflection of who they are. The shame is deep-seated and continues into adult relationships. The message inside is that they are not good enough. This translates into self-doubt, self-criticism, and anger turned inward.
Difficulty with Emotion Regulation
Growing up with trauma means nothing is safe. The body must constantly be prepared for the next bad thing. There is a sense of powerlessness and despair. Relationships are not safe; they have been the source of pain. Those messages do not leave the body once a child reaches adulthood. To quote Bessel van der Kolk, “the body keeps the score.” The body holds and carries all the trauma wounds. Relationships become something to long for but also something to fear. A body suffering from unhealed trauma will express that through mood swings, explosive anger, bouts of increased irritableness. It can also show up as dissociating, disconnecting from self and the world, and difficulty feeling anything.
Hyper-Vigilance and Heightened Need for Safety
Trauma prevents growth. The focus is not on developing self but on finding, maintaining, and protecting a sense of safety. The trauma themes held in the body prevent clarity in understanding and effectively responding to interactions with others. As an example: if as a child, you received the message over and over that you were not good enough, that message becomes a central theme in your life. Interactions are filtered through the lens of “not good enough.” If and when conflict occurs in your relationship, the trauma theme of “not good enough” inserts itself and now you are responding from that wounded theme. This could show up as defensiveness, blaming behaviors, grandiose expressions, or on the flip side, collapsing emotionally, hopelessness, and shame.
When I realized what messages I had been giving my child, I was devastated. What I did with that realization made the difference between staying stuck and moving past old wounds. I dove into unpacking what was stuck inside of me and found quality therapists to help me along the way. I realized that since this all felt normal to me, I needed outside help. I learned that increasing my own sense of power and challenging negative messages inside myself were critical. It is a messy journey, but a worthwhile one.
Healing from Neglect
While I recommend meeting with a therapist who has an understanding of childhood emotional neglect, there are some key changes to start making right away.
Notice Your Emotions
Notice how you are feeling. Get curious about the reasons for these feelings. Take the time and find the space to listen to what is happening within your emotions.
If your emotional vocabulary is limited, start to expand on your awareness. Print of this wheel of emotion. Identify the basic emotion and then see if you can connect with another layer of emotions listed on the wheel.
If it is too difficult for you to identify your emotions? Can you notice how your body feels physically? Are you holding your breath, breathing deeply, breathing shallowly? Are your muscles tight, loose, relaxed? Are you tired, full of energy? Is your heart beating fast, face flushed, sweaty hands? From there, you can ask yourself what this physical noticing says about your emotions.
Validate Your Emotions
It is not enough to notice your emotions. You also need to validate them. When you feel down, upset, tired, happy, sad, listen and respond. Remind yourself that everyone has feelings and it is okay for you to feel the way you do. Jumping into problem solving mode right away does not need to happen. Take the time to acknowledge what you are experiencing.
Self-Care
Part of the experience of childhood emotional neglect is that how you feel and what you needed was not a priority. It is time for you to make that a priority. If it was not possible for you to get what you wanted as a child, give yourself that gift today.
Boundary Setting
This is a hurdle but an important one to start exploring. Individuals with childhood emotional neglect have a hard time speaking up for themselves. Because it is so foreign, we can jump from one extreme to another; from not asserting ourselves to speaking up so forcefully we create more dilemmas. There is also the tendency to doubt, analyze repetitively and self-critique, feeding into the all too familiar experience of shame.
Learning how to set boundaries in a way that matches your personal values is a journey. It takes time to learn and it also takes time for you to get comfortable with boundaries.
A great person to start practicing boundaries with is yourself. Identify your personal boundaries around things like the daily amount of time you will give yourself for self-care. Put it in your calendar. Make it a priority and do not violate your own boundary around the time you set aside. If you find that you have slipped back into old patterns, acknowledge it, notice how your body feels emotionally and physically; start over the next day. Each new day presents another opportunity for you to show up for yourself.
It is possible to change your narrative and the meanings you have taken from childhood emotional neglect. It is possible to fill the emptiness inside, to find your own unique balance. Doing this work benefits you, but it also has a lasting impact on the familial patterns for generations to come.
Recommended Reading Material:
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent by Carla Naumberg
The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Creativity, and Resilience in Your Kids by Daniel Siegel