The Trauma Triangle

When we have experienced childhood trauma, complex relational trauma, there is an ongoing cycle of survival responses that happen in our nervous system.  These responses have an impact on how we engage in our relationships and the ongoing patterns of behavior.  Because our nervous system has used and learned these strategies for so long, the ways we respond in relationships are often automatic or unconscious.  Our nervous system has learned a way of being in relationships and utilizes old survival strategies to navigate relationship dynamics. 

This pattern reflects the flight-fight-freeze-fawn-shut down responses that we had to engage in when our trauma was initially occurring.  Stephen Karpman, M.D., created the “drama” triangle, which was later renamed the Trauma Triangle, to depict the typical roles that trauma survivors find themselves enacting in their relationships. 

Survival Roles

The trauma triangle is a way of identifying the roles and scripts trauma survivors engage in within themselves and within their relationships.  Trauma survivors may have one role that they tend to predominately engage with, but most will cycle through these roles dependent on what is being triggered in the relationship.

The Victim

In the victim role, there is an experience of helplessness and disempowerment.  In the victim role, there is a lack of belief in the ability to have any power or control in life.  Some of the characteristics of this include

• Helpless

• Victimized

• Oppressed

• Hopeless

• Put down

• Worthless

• Inadequate

• “I can’t do it”

• “No one cares about me.”

• “No one understands me.”

The Persecutor

In the persecutor role is where we find the anger against the traumatic events.  This anger can be directed inward or outward.  Some characteristics of the persecutor role include:

• Criticizes, puts people down

• Sarcastic

• Bullying

• Rigid stances and beliefs that are aggressively expressed

• Blaming – both towards others and self (“It’s all my fault”)

• Self-hatred

• Overly critical of self – “I’m not good enough…I’ll never be good enough.”

The Rescuer

In the rescuer role, we find abandonment of self and high focus on others.  It’s the caretaker role.  Characteristics of the rescuer role include:

• Care-taking to the point of ignoring own needs, wants, desires

• Position of “I know best”

• Doing more than their fair share in relationships

• Resentment in response to doing more than their fair share

• Have difficulty saying no

• Pattern of rescuing others (because they know best), even when that help is not wanted or asked for

• Often lonely due to pattern of dismissing own needs

• Seeks confirmation/sense of identity in their role of caretaker

These roles intersect with each other, and create dynamics within relationships.  If you experienced emotional neglect as a child, you may show up in the role of persecutor, becoming angry and aggressive in your responses to your partner.  This could trigger the victim role response in your partner, leading them to shut down, to resign themselves to your anger.  That resignation from your partner might then trigger in you the victim role, as you feel abandoned by your partner.  Perhaps, though, your engagement in the persecutor role pulls the rescuer role from your partner, as they justify and make excuses for your behavior. 

The purpose of these roles

If you identified with one or all of these roles, I encourage you to look at these roles as protective.  These patterns are intended to keep you safe.  Your nervous system does not recognize that the threat of the traumatic experiences is over.  Your body continues to hold the memories and unprocessed energy, responding to current events through the filter of survival, perpetuating trauma responses. 

Escaping the Roles

How do you get out of these roles? The first step is by acknowledging the roles and recognizing when you’re switching roles. Understanding why and how you got to the role you’re in helps to begin recognizing the consequences of these roles. Additional reading of self-help books that address relationship patterns can be useful. Meeting with a trauma therapist, whether in individual counseling, couples therapy, or group process can be very helpful. Above all, self-compassion with appropriate levels of responsibility is paramount. Shame is familiar to the trauma triangle, and shame keeps you stuck. It is possible to recognize and shift these responses. Understanding the trauma triangle not only changes you, it offers the possibility of greater wisdom in your relationships and a more compassionate response in navigating relationship dynamics. If you’d like to learn more about the trauma triangle, Dr. Karpman offers free resources here.