Breaking Free: Unraveling Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma causes massive destruction in our lives. As adults, we might not even fully recognize the destruction it brings. Survival responses can masquerade as boundaries (reactivity, blaming behaviors), getting along with others (people-pleasing, fawning, co-dependency), being selective with friendships (isolation and distrust), self-analysis (self-criticism), the list goes on and on.
How do we begin to work through these experiences? How do we address the lingering impact? Below are some strategies and thoughts for your consideration.
Explore the Impact on Adult Relationships
The strategies kids use to navigate childhood trauma are brilliant survival mechanisms. The havoc these strategies wreck on adult relationships is unparalleled. Recognize that what helped you back then is damaging your relationships now. These survival strategies were created in response to what was occurring in your life, and were used so frequently that by now, it may feel like it’s just who you are. It might even be hard to see the role you’re playing in your relationship distress. Meeting with a skilled individual therapist or even a couples therapist can be helpful in unpacking these unhelpful patterns and responses.
Address Your Family History
This is a hard one, particularly when it comes to childhood emotional neglect, and even more so if that neglect was unintentional by your caregivers. Here’s what I encourage you to STOP saying about your parents: “They did the best they could.” It sounds generous and even wise, but I invite you to see the undercurrent of unhealthiness. With most of humanity, no one is all good or all bad. We are on a continuum of healthy and unhealthy. We can be incredibly healthy in one area and incredibly limited in another area. It is ok to see your parents on that continuum, to recognize that they loved you and yes, they also failed you. Placing your parents within this continuum allows you to both acknowledge your love for them and hold them accountable for their shortcomings as parents. It stops the cycle of appeasement and minimization of your own pain. Let the reality exist. Your parents, as adults, did not take care of their own pain, their own experiences, and their own struggles. That resulted in pain and suffering for you as a child. That is their responsibility to bear, not yours.
Take Responsibility Now
Just as I advocate for you to allow the responsibility of your childhood experiences to lie with the adults, your parents, I also encourage you to take responsibility for your life NOW. There is a fine line between acknowledging your parent’s failings in childhood and continuing to play the victim in adulthood. You are not responsible for your childhood experiences of trauma. You are responsible for what you do now as an adult.
Don’t Do This Alone
Trauma wrecks havoc on our bodies, our minds, our entire being. We adapt to trauma through the creation of survival strategies, strategies that ultimately bring more distress in our adult lives. Because we’ve used these strategies for so long, they’re hard to change. We often get in our own way. It’s confusing, it can be overwhelming and we’re in a battle against our own bodies. Changing these strategies is hard work, and trying to go at this alone only perpetuates the cycle. I highly recommend meeting with a skilled trauma therapist, a couple’s therapist, or even attending a process group. Please know that a seasoned trauma therapist will recognize this continuum of health and unhealthiness, will be able to hold the duality of love and hate/pain in your family of origin, keeping you at the center of the process throughout.
Working through trauma is not for the faint of heart. It requires courage, determination, and a willingness to sit with pain. In that struggle though, lies the opportunity for growth, healing, and freedom. It is an unpredictable journey, but within that path lies the hope of transformation within and around you. As a fellow traveler, I hope you choose that journey.