Silent Pain, Lost Voices: Understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect
When you were growing up, as a kid, if you were mad, sad, frustrated, angry, upset, bothered, discouraged, etc., who would you talk to?
This is a question I ask in my initial sessions with clients. It is meant to begin assessing for childhood emotional neglect.
Most parents want their kids to feel loved and protected. Most parents want their kids to blossom and develop into amazing human beings. Many parents, without an understanding of their own developmental history, continue the cycle of emotional neglect and invalidation. While most parents strive to nurture and protect their children, many unwittingly perpetuate cycles of neglect and invalidation, often due to their own unresolved developmental issues. Taking time to look at our own developmental history can change future generations to come, stopping the cycle of emotional neglect and invalidation.
Emotional Neglect Exists on a Spectrum
Parents can be responsive to some aspects of a child’s emotional needs and neglect others, while some parents completely neglect or actively invalidate emotional needs. Emotional neglect can be difficult to identify because it’s not always visible, even to a professional. Emotional neglect is based more on what a parent doesn’t do, what didn’t happen for you as a child. It is is a failure to act, a failure in attentiveness and responsiveness to a child’s emotional needs. It’s what isn’t there, and the impact is long standing and significant.
Signs of Emotional Neglect
Some examples of emotional neglect are:
Punishment for expressing negative emotions like fear, sadness, anger. Being told to “toughen up” or “stop acting like a baby” would be an example of active invalidation.
Being told your emotions and feelings are wrong. “Stop being so sensitive.”
When your feelings and emotions are dismissed consistently because your parents are too busy or focused on themselves.
Not showing affection, whether you ask for that affection or not
Failing to step in and help when you are experiencing emotional stress (being bullied, loss of pet, friendship, conflicts between siblings, etc.)
Understanding the impact
Emotional neglect has a significant impact on children, extending into their adulthood. In both children and adults, this can look like:
People pleasing
Difficulty knowing how they feel or being able to process emotions. Oftentimes, because emotions were invalidated or not acceptable growing up, kids learn to shut down, to avoid feeling in their bodies.
Difficulty with trusting others
Lack of self-confidence
Feeling empty or hollow
Thinking something is wrong with them
Feeling disconnected and emotionless with people with whom they should feel close
Constantly doubting and analyzing own emotions and responses to others
Shame
Overly self-critical
Increased risk of mental health disorders, substance use disorders
Healing from Emotional Neglect
While working with a professional to identify and begin healing from childhood emotional neglect is important, there are some tests you can take to assess for emotional neglect:
CEN Questionnaire. This was developed by Dr. Jonice Webb and is a self report questionnaire designed to asses the extent of emotional neglect experience during childhoo
The Childhood Trauma Questionnaire. This is a widely used tool that has a section specific to emotional neglect. You can review the validity of the instrument here.
Emotional neglect can be intentional. It can also be unintentional. We tend to repeat what we know. If an adult has experienced emotional neglect, there is a higher probability that they will parent the same. Recognizing that emotional neglect has been a part of your story can bring up a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. Taking steps such as meeting with a trauma professional can being the process of healing. If going to therapy seems too overwhelming right now, then I encourage you to read one of these books:
Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb
What Happened to You? By Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn