The Underbelly of Positive Thinking
It is good to look for and appreciate the positive things in life. Noticing all the small, simpler moments is what helps increase our sense of well-being and satisfaction in the world. Even positivity though, can become a trap, keeping us stuck in a loop of emotional distress. When being positive becomes the only acceptable emotion, it becomes toxic.
Toxic positivity is when we begin to belief that being positive no matter how much emotional pain or difficulty we are in, is the best and only way to show up in the world. It completely diminishes the complexity of human emotion in response to a wildly unpredictable world.
Here are some examples of what toxic positivity can sound like:
Look on the bright side.
Everything happens for a reason.
Remember, it could be worse!
Don’t worry, it’ll be fine!
Just buck up. It is what it is.
When you send out good vibes, good things come your way.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
Toxic positivity can be something we experience from others or how we respond to others pain. Ask yourself these questions:
Do you tend to hide how you truly feel?
Do you feel guilty when you are experiencing negative emotions?
Do you tell yourself that you are just ruining other people’s day if you express sadness, bitterness, hurt, frustration, etc.?
When someone in your life is expressing negative emotions to you, do you tend to give them an “it’ll be ok” or “don’t worry about it” statements? Do you engage in a pep talk rather than validate how they feel?
Do you get frustrated with people in your life when they are upset or bothered? Do you communicate verbally or non-verbally that they are not moving on fast enough for you?
Letting painful emotions exist is difficult, but it is what alleviates suffering.
Forcing yourself to be happy when you are in the midst of emotional turmoil only increases suffering and pain. It stifles genuine, basic human emotion. It sends a message of shame and self-blame. It decreases authenticity in relationships, leading to increased loneliness and disconnection.
There are events that occur in our lives that are deeply painful, and no amount of positive thinking is going to take that away. Psychologist Carl Jung said that “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” When we do not allow ourselves to acknowledge the full complexity of our experiences, that suppression becomes an even larger driving force inside of us. When we do not allow for the expression, acceptance, and release of unpleasant emotions, it creates a pressure cooker of emotion build-up. The blowup is inevitable and can have massive consequences.
It is important to recognize and allow for ALL emotions. Emotions are not good or bad. They are an expression of what is happening inside. They give insight and clue us in to what our body needs.
Here are some statements you can use in place of toxic messages.
This is tough. It is normal to feel this way.
Right now, life is hard. It makes sense why I am feeling (sad, bothered, hurt, angry) right now.
I can see you are (sad, angry, etc.). I can imagine how painful this is for you.
The next time you find yourself faced with unpleasant emotions, slow down. Give yourself time to acknowledge what you are experiencing, recognizing that even when you face the darkest tunnel of emotion, there is light at the end. You just have to make it through the tunnel. True positivity is about accepting all your emotions. Acceptance of your emotions does not mean you are resigned to your emotions. Acceptance is an acknowledgment that the emotion exists! There will always be tough days, tough moments. That is the nature of being alive. You cannot stop the hard moments, but you do have a choice to face your pain or increase your suffering.
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”
VironikaTugaleva